on being a nobody

by patricia ramos

you're a shadow, a mirage
a spatter of matter in a scatter of existence
nobody really knew your real name
but you knew it was "nobody"

who are you?
what are you?
your height, your weight, the flesh on your face?
the mistakes you made and the achievements you made up
how you used to wear these kinds of clothes and then decided to stop?
and spouted all these lies just to show what you've got
that that was you
and yet it was not

that was 11 years of not knowing who you really were
11 years of knocking on doors of association
pretending you fit in
and forcing the puzzle pieces to fit
even though they did they never worked out on the bigger picture
but you didn't mind as long as you had someone to sit with at lunch

did it not feel strange the first time you gazed on that list
and marveled at how a few names could spell out "home" for you?

three hundred-odd days of a different feeling
wherein people you've never seen before know you by your name now
and they say "i know you from this"
"i think you're cool"
"i'm glad that i'm your friend"

and it felt good to be important and missed
and it felt good to make a lot of friends
and it felt good to tear down the bricks
of the wall you had been building for yourself for
such
a long
time

who knew i had it in me all along?