OFF.

That's the way I can describe this week. My closest blockmate Ilsa has described me as such for the past few days and, I have to admit, I've been seeing it. I know I seriously have not posted nearly enough for my readers - unless you know me and are aware of my situation in real life - to understand what I am about to say, but I hope you guys still get a little out of it.

I was so out of it today, and for the past week perhaps owing to the fact that I'm running much lower on sleep than I was used to in High School. I slept in school yesterday and today, both in the CFA, and spent sixteen hours in campus yesterday.

There was an overall feeling of "whatever" these past few days. I haven't interacted with my friends and blockmates the way I wish I could (naks, standards), and reciting in Eng10 today was just so... weird. I kept tripping all over my words in both situations and all of my thoughts came out in word diarrhea. One thing I want to keep an eye on is precise communication, because I've been deprived of that particular ability in the past. People won't wait for you to apologize for what you said and explain it all of it one by one. They'll comprehend it in a certain way so it's your job to formulate how you're going to say any of it.

The thing I'm most afraid of is hurting someone, physically or emotionally, because I haven't been watching my words and actions and general disposition because of my exhaustion. Yes, I'm terrible for blaming these things on something so trivial to my blockmates by this time, something they've been so accustomed to that they are able to complete beautiful plates with or without sleep, but aside from my period (TMI) that's the closest thing I could attribute it to.

Also, busy-ness. I've been avoiding blaming not replying to everyone on the Internet as soon as I can, not being able to get to my personal projects, not being able to just socialize on being busy. It's so easy to blame your mistakes on other things, isn't it?

It's so easy for people to tell us to take a break every now and then. It's so easy for them to tell us to manage our time - that I realize now. It's so easy to assess a situation based only on what you know. There are so many factors that contribute to a person making certain choices, whether or not they look good to you and at the end of the day you don't actually have the best say in what they should do. Hayz. Lesson: don't automatically assume you're reserved to a right to tell someone what to do. Plain and simple.

Speaking of people telling you what to do, I wish my schedule would become more flexible... transpo-wise. I'm a little ashamed of the fact that I have to be chauffeured every day because most of my blockmates are already so independent and have learned how to commute outside of school. It's not that I'm in a rush to be independent or whatever, it's not that I feel strangled or rebellious or any of that teenage bullsh*t adults try to rub on me, it's just that things would be so much easier had I not be required to think about other people when I want/have to stay late at school. Having to stay late at school makes me out to be insensitive to the people who have to usher me back and forth; but wanting to take transportation makes me naive, stupid, ungrateful that I have people who drive at my own beck and call. I can't win, and it frustrates me.

Thinking about all of this makes me realize how much of myself I made, and how much of myself is actually me, naturally raised up by others and uninfluenced by the society I perceive. Huwaw. Existential crisis ang peg.

I'm sorry, again, if all this sounds incomprehensible to you guys. I sure hope this feeling goes away by the end of next week and I get back on the right track. Wish me luck.

***

In other news, debut planning has been going well so far. I finished stapling just under 150 notebooks for souvenirs and drawing for the events page and invitations, feats I'm extremely proud of as a DIY-er. Food tasting will be on Wednesday. I really am excited. :)

Do It Yourself Debut

School takes a heavy toll on the relationship between a girl and her blog, but I stopped by regardless of an English paper due this Friday and a paralyzing clogged-nose-and-almost-fever combination to let you in on my plans for the next... three months? Haha.

I've never really given my 18th birthday much of a thought. I'm not the kind of girl who wants to feel like a Princess one day by asking eighteen of her friends to talk about her and dance with her (probably mostly because I don't have enough guy friends?), so I spent about two weeks in conflict about whether I still wanted to hold a debut or not. I do want to hold a party, but what would people be doing for, I don't know, approximately 5 hours?

A couple of days ago I had the idea of holding an Open Mic party just so I would have something to fill in the time. I kind of hate how I didn't think of it earlier, because I know three months before my party isn't the best time to start planning. I don't even have a venue yet, as of now.

Another thing I've decided on is to go all-out Martha Stewart on this thing. Yes, I'm planning on D.I.Y.ing my debut - undoubtedly my biggest, scariest project to date, because as much as I like going to parties, I'm not the kind who's had a lot of experience.

I'm taking pegs from places like MarthaStewart.com, Pinterest, and one of my crafting idols Lorra Elena Angbue-Te Or. However, a lot of the D.I.Y.s here are central to weddings and kiddie parties. The debut, after all, is a Filipino tradition - I admit I had, and am having, a hard time looking for nice inspirations for a non-traditional debut, since I've only attended less than ten so far and a lot of them only involve the whole shebang.

I came up with a "hard copy" Pinterest, an extra black-bound blank book from school to document my journey... I might be able to post some pictures here, if I have time. Hopefully, I will have the time. Hehe.

Wish me luck. :)

In other news, WE HAVE A NEW BUNK BED. HOO HAH!

For Interested Parties: Canlaon College

Canlaon College is a fiction and art anthology about Philippine mythological creatures based in a High School to College setting. Please keep in mind that submissions are primarily done for free. Whether or not you're a first-time author or illustrator doesn't matter: anyone is welcome to submit. :)

Submission Requirements:

1. Must revolve around the theme of Philippine mythological creatures in a High School or College setting.
2. Can be in English or Filipino.
3. Can be in fiction, comic, or artwork format.
4. Must be original (of course).
5. Must not be previously published.
6. Created by someone of Filipino nationality/ethnicity.
7. Only one submission per person. Should the work not be considered for inclusion to the anthology, rights to publish or enter the story in a contest unrelated to this specific anthology will be given back to the creator.
8. Preferably targeted to a teenage/young adult audience.

Not-Requirements:

1. Does not have to occur specifically in school, as long as it focuses on that certain theme or age.
2. 500-7000 words in fiction, only preferably.
3. Art will be published in grayscale.
4. There is no maximum for comics, but preferably they should not exceed 20 pages (excluding the cover). Any submission that exceeds 20 pages should be justified solely by the plot.
5. Avoid fancy formatting if you are to submit fiction. Entries will be standardized according to our own format eventually.

Editor's Notes:

1. Please include your real name in the submission e-mail. Pseudonyms will be discussed once your submission is considered for publication.
2. When your work is considered for publication, we will require you to submit a short bio, with or without publishing history.

How to Submit:

1. Join the Canlaon College group on Facebook so you can participate in discussion and/or consultation.
2. E-mail your entries to canlaoncollege@gmail.com with your real name.
3. Submissions may be done in the following formats: .doc, .txt, .zip, .jpeg, .png, .rtf
4. Deadline for submissions is on Jan. 1, 2014.

SETTING DETAILS/INSPIRATION

1. No specific school is designated to be the setting for "Canlaon College".
2. Stereotypes/cliques per species is designated as follows (no need to follow, but recommended to at least exemplify):

• ASWANG/MANANANGGAL
• The self-appointed rulers of the school - confident, reassured people by day who are, well, beasts once night drops. Female aswang are to be dated with caution, as they are known to be man-eaters - literally, and, more usually, figuratively. Their carnivorous streaks are toned down now that they have to lie low in their schools, but they still retain a fierceness that doesn't require any bloodshed. Usually.
• TIKBALANG
• Jocks who enjoy flaunting their fitness just because it's in their blood. They're the students who, despite the hectic demands of academic life, never seem to run out of horsepower. Ahem.
• DIWATA/ENGKANTO
• The students who just can't help but exuberate their own brand of fash-own on campus. You could dismiss them as free-spirited hipsters, but when it comes to environmental activism, they're so much more than the average dreamcatcher-toting, Instagram-using, trendsetting teenager.
• KAPRE
• "Stoners"/activists/sometimes slacktivists, only rarely seen without a cigarette or, in some cases, a cigar between their teeth. They might seem lazy and uncouth at first glance, but one should learn never to judge a Kapre sumply by their laidback appearances.
• SIYOKOY/SIRENA
• Like the Diwata and Engkanto, the sea-dwellers can't help but feel protective of their home and will most likely be spotted at the next "Save the Dolphins" wall-painting session. However, they also can't help being inevitable scene-stealers and will most likely sing, dance, act and dramatize their way into conviction, no matter how over the top it looks.
• NUNO SA PUNSO
• The Nuno, by today's standards, may be quite awkward and nerdy, but there's no way they're going to go down from a bullying without a fight. Nuno are still the smiths of pranks and practical jokes, benevolent and otherwise, and one would be smart to pay a little respect to the descendants of the very first hill-dwelling people.

Mythological creatures not mentioned above can be written about in any way you wish.

Carraway

And suddenly it begins to show: the naked truth revealing itself from a billowing cloud of silken white smoke. A web of people and circumstances all connected with strings no thicker than a hair, or a sliver of moonlight, dew drops huge and heavy on their lengths and the wind a gushing force threatening to tear it all apart.

I realize that I, once again, am on the outside, looking in.

on the road

There's a certain comfort in being in a station wagon along the highway while rain batters the windshield at a million miles an hour.

There's a certain comfort in looking outside and seeing a view much better than my crappy camera could ever capture, as lightning cuts through the sky in its electric whiteness, faster than I could ever catch.

There's a certain comfort in looking out the window at 9 in the evening and seeing a hundred lights, a hundred lives, a hundred stories that we blink past every hour.

There's a certain comfort in the way your friends text you from Quezon City as you ride on the NLEX, as if they were sitting right beside you on a long, lonely ride.

There's a certain comfort in heading to your childhood province six hours away from where you live now, realizing you're living your childhood construction of "safe" - that is, buried in a blanket in a snug old car.

There's a certain comfort in waking up to something like this.

Happy Independence Day, everyone.

Here Comes College

Fifteen hours before College and I'm feeling a bit indifferent - the actual worst thing I could possibly feel, I guess?

It just doesn't feel like I'm going to school tomorrow. I'll come into my first subject at 8:30 and find new people, but I don't know if I'll feel any different about staying there the next few weeks, because this was a hell of a long Summer for me. Maybe it's the fact that I have no books, or uniform, or the fact that I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of official stuff to fix thanks, mostly, to my absolute cluelessness and naivety.

It's not that I hate these brand new school vibes and fear that I'll lose Summer. If anything I'm glad that I'm going to College (har har) and I'm glad for the new lifestyle change, because I sure will be more productive in school than I was when I didn't have it. That's why I worry about not feeling much, because, surely, I should be feeling at least excitement (not as much as I should be, but I feel it a little) or nervousness or fear or joy? But mostly I feel nothing at all.

More on this as the story develops.

A Mondrian Look Back

It's four days before school, and I feel like I have to 'fess up: my Summer wasn't as exciting as I cut it out to be. Heheheh. The above outfit was something I wore yesterday (owing thanks to my Tita who just came from the States for the top).

Let's recap: all I've done these past three months is go out with friends, sometimes attend some events, eat out with the family, get glasses, practice driving, and sit on my butt almost every day drawing, watching movies, and catching up on Hannibal.

I'm a little frustrated about being "too lazy" to update the blog - my sister laughed at me once, telling me it takes dedication to run a blog every day. And even though I never planned on updating every day I still feel - no, know that I'm missing out on updating, writing, working as much as I should.

Looking back, I can conclude that I can't be half-assed to make my own adventures sometimes; and if I do, I don't even have the initiative to blog about them.

This isn't supposed to be as emo a post as it sounds, haha. 

Here's to hoping that the time I actually have piles of work on my desk to be done, more friends around me, and a new home to fit into for the next four years, I will be able to update this blog and have more adventures worthy of documentation. I know I'm crossing my fingers, but I'm not hoping too much. Hihi.